In Search of You
by Vestal Virgin
Summary: Post Endgame. Four months after Chakotay's move to Trebus, Kathryn arrives unexpectedly. The woman he loves is barely recognizable in the grip of devastating grief over her mother's death. Chakotay turns his focus solely on Kathryn as he helps her deal with her loss, and searches to bring back the fiery spirit and confident strength still within her.
1. Chapter 1

Chakotay laid down the saplings he was carrying and jogged into the house to answer the comm. He reached the panel on the fifth chime and activated the link to see Gregory from the shuttle port.

"Chakotay, finally! I've been trying to reach you for two hours."

"I was out in the woods. What's going on?"

"A shuttle will arrive in ten minutes. It's Vice Admiral Janeway."

"Kathryn?" Chakotay gasped. "She's coming here?"

"Yes, and she'll be here in minutes. Do I need to stall her?"

"No! No, I'll be there. Thank you."

Chakotay ended the link and yanked his shirt off on his way down the hall as he rushed to change, hurrying back out the door in just under two minutes with his hair wet and still trying to push his heel into one shoe. He started the hover car and sped toward the port, the vibration of the engine seeming to match his heartbeat and his whirling thoughts. Why was she here? Why didn't she contact him first? Kathryn's here? After four months. Why?

His litany of questions wasn't doing a damn thing for his nerves, so he forced himself to breathe deeply, evenly, in, out, in and out. He ruffled his hair in an effort to dry it faster, then smoothed it down as best he could while turning the car into the shuttle port drive. As soon as the car stopped, he threw the door open, managed to hook his foot on the panel, hopped three times to catch his balance, and slammed the door shut with his knee before rushing into the terminal. He could see across the small building through the large back window to where a personal shuttle was powering down, one of only two flyers there at that moment. He waved to Gregory and then forced himself to walk calmly through the back door and wait a few steps from the shuttle as the hatch opened.

It was her. He hadn't believed it until he saw her with his own eyes – the hair, the shape, the face he knew so well that haunted his dreams still. He started toward her, and her blue eyes bore into him until his racing heart stopped completely, her struggle to smile ripping the offended organ from his chest. God, she looked like hell! Something was wrong; terribly, terribly wrong.

He faltered a step, but recovered quickly and closed the distance between them. "Kathryn? What a surprise!"

"Chakotay." His name seemed to stumble from her lips, her voice thick and raspy. She had dark circles around both eyes, her lips were drawn tight in thin lines, she had lost weight, and even her hair seemed dull and lackluster. She had obviously come to him in need, and he did something he had never done before in all the years he'd known her – he walked straight to her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her head to his shoulder.

"I'm here, Kathryn," he said softly. Her body stiffened for a brief second and then went limp against his with a shuddering breath, and she gripped the back of his shirt as if using it to hold herself up.

"I didn't know where else to go," she sighed. "I couldn't stay there anymore."

"Tell me what's happened."

"My mother. She's gone, Chakotay. She died a month ago. My sister left with her family to live on Mars. Tuvok is still on Vulcan. I had no one left." Her voice cracked on the last word, but she fought it. "I missed the last years of my mother's life. I'm sorry, but I couldn't stay there." He felt warm tears dampening his shirt and thought he would shatter where he stood from her anguish.

He rubbed his hand over her back and tried to soothe her. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn. I'm glad you came, and you can stay here as long as you need to. You're not alone." He remembered how she'd been when the ship was in the Void, and the story of how she'd suffered when her father and Justin died. She was the strongest woman he knew, but when she hurt, she hurt deeply, and right now her very soul was aching. He recognized the one difference between this time and those others, though. This time, she was asking for help, reaching out for comfort, and she had come to him.

He eased his head back and wiped her tears with one hand, keeping his other arm loosely around her. "Let's get your bags and go home. I'll make some coffee, and you can get settled in while I fix lunch."

"That sounds nice." She had stopped her tears and tried once again to smile for him. "Will I be intruding on anyone?"

He smiled softly. "No, it's just me in the house. My sister and her family are away for at least another month. A neighbor might come by from time to time, but that's it."

She turned and picked up a large duffle bag and a carry case, struggling to hitch the duffle up onto her shoulder. He quickly took both bags from her, alarmed at how frail she seemed, and when she started to half-heartedly protest, he forced a smile and said, "I don't make my guests carry their own luggage. We may not have much here, but we do have an abundance of hospitality."

She nodded her head and followed him to his car. He walked her around the outside of the building so she wouldn't have to face Gregory in her current state, knowing that it would embarrass her and she would use every last bit of her energy trying to stand strong in front of a stranger. She was silent and simply stared out the window for the seven-minute trip back to his home.

He led her inside to the guest bedroom and set her bags in front of the closet as she flopped down on the bed, showing him just how mentally and physically exhausted she was. _Kathryn Janeway does not flop_, he thought to himself. She was looking at the dresser, though he decided she was actually staring through the dresser, not really seeing it but something in her own mind or, perhaps, nothing at all. He sat down beside her and cradled her hand between both of his. She turned to him at his touch and said quietly, "I'm tired, Chakotay. I'm so tired."

"Then rest. I'll go make you some tea while you put on your pajamas. You can sleep as long as you want to. I'll be here."

He went to the kitchen and made a special tea blend he had learned from his mother that helped calm the nerves, deciding that it wouldn't hurt to drink a cup himself, too. By the time he finished and carried the cups to the guest room, Kathryn was in her nightgown sitting on the side of the bed near the pillows. The pink gown had narrow straps over her shoulders, and he almost winced at the sight of her thin arms, protruding collar bones and sunken, pale cheeks. Even at her thinnest on _Voyager_, she had never looked like this.

_Spirits help her,_ he thought. _Did I let this happen? Is this my fault for not staying on Earth?_ He had felt an obligation to return to Trebus, to try to help his people and to reconnect with his past. Maybe he'd chosen the wrong obligation, but when he'd left, Kathryn had a new promotion at Starfleet, her mother and sister and nephews visited often, old friends had come to see her, and she was even looking for a home to buy. He'd thought she had everything she wanted after reaching her ultimate goal of getting the ship home against impossible odds.

He handed her a teacup and after she drank a little, he placed it on the bedside table and pulled the covers off the pillow. She stood up and let him turn down the bed, then lay down and let him cover her up.

"What can I get for you?" he asked.

"Nothing. I just need to rest."

"Sleep well, Kathryn." He tucked the blanket tighter under her chin and closed the curtains over the window. He took one more look at her from the doorway and started to close the door when he heard her small voice.

"Don't go. Please."

He blinked back tears as he re-entered the room. "I'll stay with you," he said lightly. "I could use a break myself." He was trying to sound casual to keep her from noticing his pain at seeing her this way. This clinging husk of a woman was not the Kathryn he knew and loved. "I spent the morning in the woods looking for saplings to transplant," he continued. He toed off his shoes and climbed onto the bed beside her, propping a pillow behind him against the headboard and leaning back. He kept talking nonchalantly as he tugged her pillow to his side and nudged her to turn over toward him. She did, and as he talked about the baiga nut sapling he would plant in the backyard, he gently pulled her to him and laid his arm around her, lightly rubbing her back. When he mentioned the himara fruit saplings, she draped her arm over his waist and snuggled closer, and the beginning of a story about his father preserving fruits brought a deep sigh from her.

She fell asleep during the instructions for drying baiga nuts, and he stopped mid-sentence to gaze down at her, tears stinging his eyes again. "I'm sorry, Kathryn," he whispered. "I'm sorry I left you." He stayed with her, thinking of all the times in the pasthe'd wanted to hold her or comfort her. The professional distance been them even in their deep friendship had been mutually maintained, but that hadn't stopped him from loving her, or, he felt certain, her from loving him. It was a choice they'd had to make for the sake of their mission, and by the time they completed that mission the habit had been easy to keep up. Too easy, maybe, because if he'd listened to his heart instead of his head, he would have stayed near her. He would have known about her mother, about her sister moving off world, and seen the weight loss and a thousand other signs that Kathryn must have tried to hide for as long as she could. He felt sure that sheer desperation at the end of her rope would be the only thing that would make her leave her job and Earth to come to Trebus.

Kathryn moaned in her sleep every few minutes, and Chakotay rubbed her back or caressed her hair until she stopped again. Over an hour later she seemed to settle into a deeper sleep, and he slipped out from under her arm, standing in the doorway until he was sure she would stay quiet. He went to the comm and sent a message to Starfleet Medical, then sat down with a cup of coffee to wait. He was deep in thought when the link came through, and was startled at the Doctor's abrupt greeting.

"Chakotay, I don't know where she is. I don't understand why everyone thinks I do."

Chakotay held his hand up and interrupted, "You're talking about Kathryn, right?"

"Of course I am."

"She's here, Doctor. She arrived in a shuttle a couple of hours ago."

"Oh, thank heavens!" the Doctor said as he waved one hand through the air. "If one more person threatens to decompile me because I won't tell them where she is…"

"Doctor, please," Chakotay interrupted again. "What the hell is going on?"

"I want to talk to her."

"Absolutely not. She's asleep, and it took me over an hour to calm her enough that I could leave the bedroom. I called you to find out how to help her. She's too thin, she doesn't want to be left alone, she's physically exhausted, and frankly she looked better the day after you removed her Borg implants than she does right now. If you didn't know where she was, and the crew didn't know, does that mean Starfleet doesn't know either? Is she AWOL, Doc?"

The Doctor shook his head and leaned back in his chair. "No, she was given a choice to either take a leave of absence, or they would put her on leave indefinitely. She took the leave voluntarily two weeks ago, and no one has heard from her since. I suppose I don't have to tell you that things have not been easy for her. You left, Tuvok was already gone, more and more of the crew have moved on to other assignments and jobs, then her mother died suddenly, and within a week of the funeral her sister packed up and left for Mars. It was too much for the vice admiral. She lost her support system, and though she might have coped with most of it, her grief over losing her mother was devastating. I tried to help, but half the time she wouldn't even return my calls or let me in if I attempted to see her. She locked herself away except to report for duty at Headquarters, and it didn't take long for Starfleet to notice that she wasn't well. The leave was supposed to give her an opportunity to get some counseling."

Chakotay rubbed his forehead and took a sip of his coffee, trying to figure out how things had gone so horribly wrong. "How do I help her, Doc?" he asked quietly. "What do I do?"

"If anyone can possibly help her, Chakotay, you can." The Doctor's voice was sympathetic. "She loves you, and you love her." Chakotay's eyes squinted but the Doctor plowed forward. "Don't deny it; I'm stating a simple fact. You're the only one that can reach her right now. Let her sleep, try to get her to eat better, and get her to talk to you, but don't push her too far too soon. Her physical state only makes it harder for her to deal with the emotional upheaval. For the immediate future, regular sleep and nutrition are the most important things, and if she opens up to you voluntarily, then listen and offer comfort. Maybe later she will be more receptive to counseling, but you can't force it on her. Is there any reason that she can't stay with you?"

"No, she can stay as long as she wants to," Chakotay said firmly. "I still have most of my back pay saved up, so I won't have to look for work for a while yet. I can be here at home with her as much as she needs me."

"That's good because she's going to need you quite a bit right now. I'm sending you a replicator formula for nutritional supplements. I'll also send a mild sedative, but don't give it to her unless you have to. She suffered at least one anxiety attack while on duty."

Chakotay tried to fathom Kathryn having an anxiety attack, but his mind didn't want to accept it, not after he had seen her time and time again stoically face down death and the worst the Delta Quadrant had to offer. He sighed and said, "Thank you, Doctor. Please let Starfleet and the crew know that she's with me, but not to try contacting her yet. I don't want to cause her any more stress, and if she knows that everyone is looking for her and worried about her, she'll feel like she has to put up a front for them."

"I will. Call me in three days unless you need me before. Hopefully, she will sleep for most of that time. She needs it."

Kathryn moaned in the bedroom, and Chakotay quickly turned toward the sound. "I have to go. She's getting restless again."

"Take care of her, Chakotay. Doctor out."

Chakotay punched the button to end the link and went back to the bedroom. Kathryn had rolled over onto her other side, her face drawn like she was in pain. He crawled onto the bed and spooned his body behind hers, whispering softly to her. She settled back to into a deeper sleep, and when he gently laid his arm over her side, she scooted tighter against him. He held her in his arms while he tried to work out ways to help her regain her equilibrium and cope with her grief. Whatever plans he might have had for the near future were pushed aside as Kathryn became his sole focus.


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn had been asleep for almost three hours when Chakotay quietly slipped out of the room again to fix something to eat. He knew that if she had not been eating, she would need simple, bland meals to start with or her stomach would reject the food. He prepared a vegetable soup and sliced a loaf of bread. Just as he was getting a bowl from the cabinet, he heard Kathryn call him.

He found her sitting against the head board, her face more relaxed but still pale and gaunt. "I'm here. I was just making us a meal."

She gave him a small smile and said, "I've missed your cooking."

He grinned. "It's not much, a vegetable soup and fresh bread. Can you eat some?"

"I think so." She flipped the covers back and sat on the edge of the bed rubbing her face. "I guess I should change." She looked as if she was dreading the effort it would take to dress again.

"I have a robe you can wear if you'd rather. There's no reason you can't be comfortable."

"I might have one in my bag. I can't remember."

"I'll get you mine, and you can worry about unpacking later. I'll help after we eat."

She nodded and went into the bathroom. He retrieved his gray robe from his closet and laid it on her bed, then went back to the kitchen to set the dishes on the table. He found some baiga nut spread in the pantry for the bread, and gathered the silverware. He remembered the nutritional supplement the Doctor was going to send, but decided not approach Kathryn about taking it today. He wanted her to feel welcome and comfortable before he started delving into the problems she was having.

He went back to the bedroom to tell her the meal was ready, and saw her sitting on the bed clutching his robe and with tears in her eyes. He sat down beside her and asked, "Why the tears?"

Her voice trembled. "I shouldn't have barged in on you like this. You have your life, things you need to do."

"Nonsense, Kathryn. I'm very glad you came, and I really don't have things I need to do. I'm afraid my life here is pretty quiet and boring. Consider this your house, too, if you can put up with me."

She laid her head over on his shoulder. "I put up with you for seven years, and right now quiet and boring sounds pretty good."

He put his arm around her shoulders and hugged her briefly, then reached for his robe in her hands. He put it on her and stood up. "Come on, let's go eat and then I'll show you the rest of house. I've repaired and remodeled some of it."

She belted the robe and followed him barefoot into the kitchen. He served the food and chatted about the changes he had made to the home, hoping she would be distracted enough to eat automatically, and she did finish half the bowl of soup and piece of bread with nut spread. "Would you like some dessert? I don't have anything made, but I can replicate something."

"No, thank you. I will take some more coffee, though. The soup was very good."

"Two coffees coming up, and then we'll take that tour of the house. It's yours, too, so you should know what it looks like."

She smiled brighter. "I would like to see what you've been remodeling."

He refilled their cups and led her past her bedroom to his next door. She saw his medicine bundle on one shelf, a couple of his sand paintings on another, and a dream catcher above his bed. In the corner was a simple wooden rocking chair with a red-and-brown woven blanket laid over one arm. She went to his nightstand and picked up the holo-image that he kept by his bed. It was one of her and Chakotay together at celebration in the mess hall.

"You keep this here?" she asked softly.

He stood beside her and looked at the photo. "Yes, I've slept with it beside me since it was taken three years ago."

She ran her fingers over the clear frame and asked, "Why did you leave, Chakotay?"

Oh, God! He hadn't expected that question so soon, and felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. Did she blame him for abandoning her? He slid the picture from her grasp and replaced it on the table, then took her hands in his and sat on the bed, pulling her down to sit with him.

"Kathryn, I came to Trebus because I felt like I needed to. I needed to see my sister and find out of there was anything I could do here to help the colony. I was trying to find my past and my people. I wanted to see if I belonged here. I'm so sorry I left, but please believe me when I say that I wasn't trying to leave you. I was trying to find me."

"I loved you," she whispered.

He held her hands with one of his and brought the other up to her chin to tilt her eyes to his. "I still love you, Kathryn. I always did, and I always will. I thought too much time had gone by. You seemed happy, and I thought you didn't need me anymore. If I had known what you were going through, I'd have come to you."

"You still love me?"

"I do, with all of my heart and soul."

She laid both hands on his chest. "Hold me, Chakotay."

He put his arms around her and lay back on the bed, letting her cling to him with arms and legs. He kissed the top of her head. "I'll hold you for as long you want me to. You're safe, and you're loved, and I'll never let you go again."

To his surprise, she started pushing his shirt up. "Kathryn?"

"I want to feel your skin."

He had serious doubts about whether it was a good idea, but in the end he couldn't deny her. If touching him would bring some life back to her, he would lie naked on the bed and let her have her way. He lifted up and pulled his shirt off, then shifted around so that he was lying on the pillow. She took off his robe that she was wearing and lay down on top of him with her cheek against his bare chest over his heart. He held her to him and fought not to let his body react to her touch, fighting harder when she started caressing his shoulders and arms.

"Your heart is beating fast," she said.

He decided to tell her truth. "You make it beat fast. You always have whenever you were near me."

She lay quietly for a few moments, and then utterly confused him with her next words. "I need a shower. Starfleet kicked me out."

His eyebrows furrowed. "Uh, help me understand. Do you need a shower because of Starfleet, or were those two completely separate thoughts?"

She chuckled against his chest. "Two different thoughts. Sorry."

"That's quite alright," he smiled. "And they didn't kick you out, hon. You're just on leave."

"Who did you talk to?"

"I commed the Doctor. I was worried about you."

"I'll be okay, Chakotay. I just needed a break. Everywhere I went people told me how sorry they were about my mother or constantly asked if I needed anything. It didn't matter if I was in Indiana or San Francisco, I was bombarded. I didn't have room to breathe, or anyone I felt close enough to, to breathe with after my sister left. I thought about you all the time, and how you would understand."

"I do understand. If you need to breathe, we'll breathe. If you need to be held, I'll hold you. All I ask is that you are completely honest with me and tell me what you want."

"You mean like telling you to take off your shirt?"

He chuckled. "Yes, exactly like that. You know I can't deny you anything."

"Good, then you won't stop me from taking a shower before we look at the rest of the house?"

"I'll even show you where the towels are."

***V*V***

Chakotay awoke in the middle of night and lay quietly, listening for any noises from Kathryn's room, hoping the silence meant she was sleeping peacefully. He slipped out of bed to get a glass of water from the kitchen, and peeked in Kathryn's room on his way past. Her bed was empty so he continued to kitchen to look for her, growing concerned when she wasn't there and a quick search of the house still didn't find her. He stepped through the front door and spotted her in his robe standing a few meters away in the yard, looking up at the sky.

He went to her side. "Kathryn? Having trouble sleeping?"

She looked over at him, the lines around her eyes and mouth deepened again. "Yes. I can't seem to sleep at night, or really any time. I take short naps off and on."

"I remember the times we had to do that on _Voyager_. It's almost more exhausting than not sleeping at all."

"It is, and I've been doing it for a month now."

He pressed his hand to the small of her back. "Do you mind if I stay with you?"

"No, I don't mind, but you don't have to."

"I want to. Come with me, and I'll show you something." She followed him into the backyard to a large tree at the edge of the property bordering the woods. He sat down with his back against the trunk and pulled her down to sit in front of him. When she looked up, they were in the perfect position to see a wide expanse of sky framed in the foreground by the dark outlines of the tree canopy. "This is my favorite spot to sit," he told her.

"It's beautiful." She settled back against his chest, and his hands rested on her hips. He sat quietly, waiting for her to take the lead on whether she wanted to talk. After a few minutes, she said softly, "I still can't believe she's gone, Chakotay."

"I know, hon. When my family was killed, it was a long time before I stopped hearing their voices in a crowd, or seeing them walking down the street, or going to the comm to call them only to remember that I couldn't anymore."

She leaned her head back into his shoulder. "In Indiana, I could hear her voice in the house, or noises from the kitchen like she was in there cooking. In San Francisco, I would see her when I passed the shops we had been in together or the places we ate lunch. I could feel her in my quarters like she was there for a visit. I couldn't get away from that feeling, or the disappointment every time I would realize that she wasn't really there. She and I spent a lot of time together since _Voyager's_ return, but it wasn't enough." Her voice trailed off, "It wasn't nearly long enough to tell her everything."

"I'm sorry." Chakotay wrapped his arms around her. "How did she die?"

Kathryn was quiet for almost a full minute before answering, "A brain aneurysm. She was home alone and had a stroke. A friend found her the next day when she went to pick up Mom for a lunch date. The doctors said they didn't think she survived for very long. But I know that still, she was there alone for however long, maybe scared, in pain, and confused."

Chakotay wished with all his heart he could tell her that wasn't true, but he knew he couldn't do that. Kathryn's fear that her mother suffered until the end was valid, and she wouldn't appreciate being told otherwise. He did the only thing he could think to do. He slid one arm under her knees and lifted her sideways onto his lap, then put his arms around her and held her. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, and he lost track of how long they stayed that way.

Cloud cover began to dim the stars and the air grew cooler. Chakotay tried to hide a yawn, but Kathryn felt it in his chest. "You should go back to bed," she told him.

He hesitated, wondering if he should say what he was thinking. He didn't want her to misconstrue his intentions, but decided the idea was worth a try. "Earlier, you slept easier when I was with you. I think you might rest better if you come to bed with me."

"What do you mean I slept easier?"

"When you were taking a nap, you would moan in your sleep every few minutes. If I rubbed your back or caressed your hair, you stopped. After I talked to the Doctor, I lay down behind you and put my arm over you, and it helped."

"I didn't know that. Maybe that explains why I wake up still feeling exhausted."

"If it makes you uncomfortable to be in bed with me, I understand. But it seemed to help before."

"No, I think it would be okay."

He nudged her up from his lap, then stood and stretched his back. They walked hand-in-hand into the house, and he stopped for the glass of water he was going to get when he first got up, while she went to the bedroom. She was sitting in the rocking chair running her hand over the woven blanket when he entered.

He sat on the end of the bed and watched her. "My grandfather made that chair for my mother when she was pregnant with me. My sister made the blanket."

Kathryn glanced up at him. "They're both wonderful things for you to have."

He smiled shyly. "They're comforting. That's why I keep them in the bedroom instead of the den. I sit there and read sometimes when I'm feeling lonely."

"Are you lonely, Chakotay?"

He looked down at the floor and rubbed the heel of his palm on his thigh in a nervous gesture. When he looked back up, he said, "I was, but not now that you're here."

She tilted her head slightly and gazed at him. "I want to be able to tell you the same thing, but I've lost so much. It helps being here with you, and yet a big part of me is missing."

"I don't expect to be able to fill in for all you've lost. I can tell you from experience that the hole in your life where your parents were will get smaller over time, but it will never be gone. I want to help you deal with the loss, not fill their places."

"Why do you say 'their places'? My father died many years ago."

"Yes, he did, and you learned to live with that. Your mother's death has brought back some of that grief, too, though."

Her eyes shimmered with tears. "You're the only person who has recognized it. Not even Phoebe would admit it."

Chakotay got up and pulled the covers back on the bed. He guided Kathryn out of the chair and slipped the robe off of her, then climbed in bed and opened his arms to her. She lay down with her head on his chest, and he pulled the covers over them, draped his arm over her back, and smoothed her hair with his hand.

"It's okay, I'm here," he said softly. She snuggled tighter against him, and he waited for her to fall asleep before closing his eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

A couple of weeks later, there had been some improvement in Kathryn. She did indeed sleep better most of the time in Chakotay's bed, though she would get up two or three times during the night. Her color was returning, and she had gained a little weight by eating small amounts throughout the day and taking the nutritional supplements prescribed by the Doctor. She went to the market with him to get fresh fruits and vegetables where she met, and charmed, many of the other colonists. Chakotay offered to prepare meat dishes for her, but she had found that she liked his vegetarian diet and really didn't miss meat at all.

As her energy improved, he took her on walks in the woods or through the neighborhood. When she preferred to be alone, she sat in the guest room or under the tree in the backyard, reading at times and simply sitting quietly at others.

Kathryn talked to him about her mother, revealing memories and the pain of her loss a little at a time. Whenever she would start talking, he would stop whatever he was doing and listen, comforting her with his touch and telling her about his experiences with losing his family. If he were honest with himself, those conversations were helping him to deal better with his own grief as much as they were helping her. She would always grow quiet afterward, her thoughts turning inward, but when she came back out of it she would seem a little stronger.

Late in the evening of Kathryn's eighteenth day on Trebus, Chakotay found her sitting cross-legged on the grass in the woods, running her hand lightly through a patch of tiny, purple wild flowers. He squatted down beside her and picked one of the blossoms, then trailed it down her cheek. The tickle made her smile, and she turned a mischievous look his way as, to his surprise, she launched herself into him and knocked him backward to the ground. Gasping for the breath she had knocked from his lungs and laughing at the same time, he wrapped his arms over her and held her to him.

The glint in her eyes, turned cobalt in the waning light, and the grin on her face softening her features sped his heartbeat and deepened his voice. "You're beautiful, Kathryn. I don't think I tell you that enough."

She lightly traced the tattoo over his brow with her fingertips, and his eyes closed at her touch, the sough of the breeze through the trees and waking noises of night insects heightening the sensations over and around him. Tingles followed in the wake of her fingers as she explored his temple, across his cheek bone and down his nose before outlining his full lips. When her hand stilled over his jaw, he opened his eyes and gazed up at her.

In the time she had been on Trebus, they had not kissed; not yet. They touched, he held her in his arms, they slept in the same bed for her comfort, and he even kissed her hand or her head. In his concern for her state of mind, though, he had not approached her lips until now. He cupped her face with both hands and gently pressed his lips to hers, feeling them soft and supple.

She responded immediately, shifting her body further up his to meet him and darting her tongue over his bottom lip. They explored the taste and feel of one another, tongues dancing together and hands slowly caressing. Balanced on top of him by his strong arms as he stroked her back, she relaxed her body onto his while she traced the muscles of his chest and sides through his shirt. The kiss ended with his lips pressed against her jawline, one hand cradling the back of her head and the other on the small of her back.

"I love you, Chakotay," said quietly said in his ear. "I know I'm not easy to put up with right now, but I do love you more than you know."

"I don't _put up_ with you, Kathryn. I need you in my life because I love you, too. I failed you when I left Earth, but I swear I'll never do it again."

"No, you've never failed me, Chakotay, even now when I've shown up on your doorstep with no warning and needing you more than ever. I could have asked you to stay four months ago." She turned her head until her lips hovered over his, warm breath mingling between them. "Together, my love?" she asked.

He hooked his leg over hers and rolled until she was underneath him, his words sighing into her as his mouth descended. "Always together."

The night settled around them as they held each other, mouths separating only long enough to breathe deeply before meeting again, sweet tenderness giving way to forceful passion and the staccato of quiet moans. Her hands kneaded the broad muscles of his back until they rolled again and his thumbs caressed the sides of her breasts, and when they traded places again her fingers slipped under his shirt in a cool path across his heated skin. He gave up on trying to hide his burgeoning erection from her when once more she stretched out atop him, her loose auburn hair spilling over his cheeks and her hardened nipples crushed against his chest.

The air was warm and slightly humid, and the moon would not rise for at least another hour, the blanketing darkness only penetrated by pinpoints of stars above and a faint rectangle of light shining through the den window. Chakotay rose up, holding Kathryn to him until he was sitting with her in his lap. He gazed deep into her eyes, seeing in them her need and desire reflecting his own, but still he hesitated in question of taking things too far, too fast for her. Sensing his pause, she pulled off her tee-shirt and bra before removing his shirt, laying the clothing beside them and then wrapping her hands over his shoulders while his gaze wandered over her naked breasts.

Almost reverently, his fingertips slid from her waist to the softness of her breasts, and he cupped his hands around them as his thumbs circled the dusky rose nipples, her flesh tightening and pebbling under his touch. She rocked in his lap, the heat between her legs centered over the steel between his, and she realized just how many years she had wanted this moment with him – this first sharing of intimacy and of buried longing satiated. She leaned into him and teased his mouth with the tip of her tongue, letting a husky moan speak her dream to him when she couldn't trust her words.

Keeping his lips on hers and one hand on her breast, his other hand slid down to the fastening of her pants and unhooked it before lowering the zipper. A groan rose from deep in his chest as his fingers teased along the band of her panties and followed the material down between her thighs. When he slipped over her clitoris, she pulled her head back from his and arched her back with a gasp, his arm going around to hold her and his lips now freed to suckle her nipple.

Her body remembered, too, how long she had wanted this man, and already the throbbing pressure in her sex was reaching the breaking point. Fingers dug into his shoulders and her legs tightened around his hips each time he slid over her swollen button. Her eyes squeezed shut and her mouth opened as she thrust against his hand and his shaft, and when he flicked his fingernail over her it was as if a plasma flare lit in her core. Again he raked the material over her clitoris, and at the third time the wave crested and she went stiff in his grasp as she hissed her release and the orgasm flooded her sex.

Slowly, she descended from the heights as he stroked and caressed her, and when her legs loosened their grip on his sides, he lowered her to the soft grass and pulled off the rest of her clothing before undressing himself. He lay cradled between her thighs, bracing himself on one arm as his other hand circled the base of his erection and he guided himself to her. She looked between them to watch him sliding the head through her moist folds, gathering her wetness and slicking his length.

Inch by inch he entered her, feeling her readily accept and stretch around him until he was fully sheathed in her hot core. He paused and lowered his weight to his elbows, keeping his hips still as he cradled her face and pressed tiny kisses to her lips and cheeks. Dark eyes met light, and his love and devotion were plainly heard in his voice when he said, "You are my heart and life, Kathryn."

She wrapped her arms tighter around him and replied, "You complete me, Chakotay. I love you."

He began to gently rock inside her, his hips flush against hers and his pelvic bone rubbing her sensitive pearl. She gasped as he brought her soaring back up, his engorged tip deep within her stimulating her further. As she began to clench the muscles of her wet heat around him, he lengthened his slides in and out of her, each downward stroke pushing to the hilt and finding her most sensitive places both inside and out. His head dropped to her neck and he kissed and licked her, nipping under her ear as his groans vibrated against her skin. She braced her feet on the backs of his thighs and thrust against him, urging him harder and faster as her climax neared.

He was pulling out almost all the way with an arch of his back, the hood of his shaft rubbing the swollen tissue at her opening, before he bowed his spine and plunged back in to ram his pelvis against her clitoris and fill her throbbing core completely. She was not inexperienced, but no man had ever controlled his own body the way Chakotay did to make sure she was being pleasured by intercourse, too. Usually by this point, she was waiting for her lover to come so the act would be over. This, she never wanted to end, but the fire low in her belly and her tingling nerves warned her of her impending orgasm.

"I can't stop," she gasped as her nails dug into his back and her muscles clenched.

He raised his head to watch her. "Don't fight it, love. Let me feel you."

When he drove into her, he ground against her button before sliding out, then plunged forward again, the velvet steel of his shaft swelling within her. Her neck arched, the walls of her sex gripped him deep inside, and he clamped his lips over hers to swallow her cry as she came hard. He rode her through wave after wave until the flood of her essence and her heat rippling around him shattered his control. He pulled his head back and managed to stifle his roar into a low growl as his seed exploded into her, pumping against her walls in rhythm with her release.

Just when he thought the white hot flash behind his eyes and through his limbs would never cease and he might possibly lose consciousness, they began to slow together, mouths gaping to gulp in air and bodies clinging to one another as they shuddered through the aftershocks. He was aware that her petite frame was crushed beneath his, but at the moment he was helpless to do anything about it. He lay in her arms, panting against her neck until at last, he was able to slide off into the grass beside her, keeping his arm draped over her and his hand caressing the underside of her breast.

Another minute of silence passed and then he asked, "Are you okay, my love?"

She chuckled breathlessly and answered, "I think I finally understand the term 'mind-blowing sex'."

He grinned. "Me, too. For a minute there, I actually thought I might pass out."

Turning on her side, she trailed her hand over his ribs and up his chest and neck to his face where she laid her hand along his jaw. "We were made to be together, weren't we?"

"Yes, we were. And as much as I would love to lie here and bask in the afterglow, the moon will be rising soon. We should probably go inside before we scandalize the neighbors."

"They may already be sending out a hunting party to find the animal that was growling in the woods."

He laughed. "Maybe my next project should be improving the soundproofing in the bedroom."

She grinned and sat up, found his shirt in the pile of clothing, and pulled it over her head. He tugged on his pants, gathered the rest of their clothes, and with his heart overflowing, followed her bare legs peeking from under his tee back inside the house.

When they entered the bedroom and she pulled off his shirt, he couldn't help but laugh. She raised an eyebrow, and he said, "You have grass stuck to your back." He peeled a crushed purple flower from her shoulder and showed it to her, and she giggled.

"Maybe we should shower before dinner," she said, her cheeks flushed pink.

"That's a good idea. You can have this one and I'll take the guest bathroom. I'll meet you in the kitchen."

Ten minutes later, he opened a bottle of red wine to let it breathe while he prepared a salad to go with the pasta alfredo already in stasis. She came from the bedroom wearing his gray robe, and he laid his cheek against her temple when she hugged him, his hands sticky from the himara fruit he was slicing.

"Remind me to get another robe before winter," he said with a smile. "I think my chances of getting that one back are pretty slim."

"I think you're right," she said as she reached around him and popped a slice of fruit in her mouth, piercing it with her teeth to release the juice and then clamping her lips over his as the sweet fruit slipped and slid over their mingling tongues. Leaving half the piece between his teeth, she swallowed the rest and husked, "You don't mind, do you?"

He shook his head and chewed the fruit, his eyes wide and darkened to black. "No, I don't mind at all." He watched her sit down at the table with her legs curled in the seat, her blue eyes bright and her hair damp and shining from the shower. He wasn't naïve enough to believe she was back to her old self, but her playful behavior was a balm to his soul as he glimpsed the spirit and strength of his Kathryn he had loved for so long.


	4. Chapter 4

Chakotay awoke a little after 0300 hours to find Kathryn's side of the bed empty. He waited a few moments to see if she would return, then slid out of bed to look for her. Dim light was coming from the den, and he found her sitting on the sofa in his robe, a light blanket over her legs and a cup of coffee clasped between her hands.

"Hi. Couldn't sleep?" he asked as he kissed her cheek and settled beside her.

She smiled softly and leaned into his side. "No. I'm just sitting here thinking."

"About what?"

"Us. _Voyager_. Chakotay, do you regret us not being together on the ship?"

He was thoughtful for a moment. "I regret that we _couldn't_ be more for each other, but not the decision we made to maintain a professional relationship."

"I've wondered if you resented me for that; for not asking you to take things further."

He hugged her to him and said, "I can be quiet and reserved, but I'm not a timid man, Kathryn. If I had disagreed with not taking things further, I would have approached you about it. I couldn't resent you when I was equally responsible for the distance between us. Don't forget, I had experience with a relationship with someone on my ship, and we both know how disastrous that turned out to be."

"Seska," Kathryn said quietly.

"Yes, Seska. I admit that I was left with a few scars from her. Even though I knew that you and I would never be anything close to that hell, it was still enough to make me more than wary of trying again. We both needed to keep our focus, and though I loved you deeply, I felt like a personal relationship would have complicated things more than they already were. Besides, we spent most of the time either too busy or too exhausted to put in the time a true relationship needs, you even more so than I.

She set her cup on the table and walked to the window, her arms crossed in front of her. How many times had he seen her standing like that gazing through a view port?

"I had to do it, Chakotay. I had to work myself to exhaustion, because if I didn't, I had too much time to dwell."

He knew what she meant, because that was exactly what happened to her in the Void. He wanted her to express her feelings, though. She had told him some of what she was thinking when she locked herself away in her quarters, but she hadn't allowed him close enough to help her. He begged the spirits for this time to be different as he asked "What did you dwell on?"

She stared out at the moonlit trees, her voice sounding distant when she answered, "Our situation and how far we were from everything we knew. My decision to destroy the array and strand us. The crewmen I lost because of that decision. I promised to bring them home, but I didn't bring all of them."

"None of that was your fault, hon, and especially not the crewmen we lost. Some things were beyond our control. We did the best we could, and made decisions based on the best information we had and what we believed to be right. No one blamed you for how anything turned out."

She turned toward him, her eyes dry but her face a mask of pain. "Kes did," she whispered.

Chakotay now had confirmation of what he'd suspected all along. Kathryn's grief was not just about losing her mother or the support of her sister. She was experiencing the emotional fallout from everything that had happened in the last seven years. Her mother's death was only the final straw in a string of losses and overwhelming events starting with the day they were pulled into the Delta Quadrant.

He went to her and clasped her hands with his. "Kes didn't blame you for what happened to her. She was angry and lost, lashing out at the last place she had been happy, which was on _Voyager_. We had no point of reference and no knowledge of what was happening to Kes when her extraordinary abilities grew. If she'd stayed, she would have destroyed the ship and everyone on it. When she returned, it was the reminder from her younger self of your care and compassion, and the decision she made herself, that prevented our destruction again. Kes loved you, Kathryn. She'd simply lost her way for a while."

He ran his hand through his hair and slowly paced to the other side of the room before facing her again.

"We all loved you," he continued. "That love is why you've struggled with feelings of guilt, grief, and even remorse. Those crewmen were our family, and you felt a responsibility for them that went beyond what a captain normally feels for her crew. The closeness of that relationship was necessary because of our situation, but it also made you much more emotionally involved in both the good and the bad. Only, you never coped with the bad, not until now. You couldn't out there because we were too occupied with trying to get through each day in one piece."

Her voice was firm, though she wouldn't look him the eye. "I wasn't strong enough. I knew what my limitations were, and the line was drawn at letting myself fully comprehend what was happening. The destruction that seemed to follow us every light year, the injuries and memory tampering and nightmares, the deaths – if I let myself feel them, _really_ feel them, I was paralyzed. I couldn't make the hard decisions that had to be made if I got too close."

She did look at his face then, her volume increasing and spine stiffening. "I tried, Chakotay. I tried to let you in a little, and to involve myself more with the crew. It hurt too much! The disappointment in their eyes every time a plan didn't work, the anger and hurt in yours when we disagreed and I ignored your advice to go with my own instincts; if I allowed myself to process those feelings, I came to the same conclusion every time that it was my fault, that I was to blame and I had to fix it. So I kept apart from you, the crew, and from myself, and paid the price I had to pay to get us home."

He went back to her and cupped her chin with his hand. "And now that we are home, Kathryn, those doubts and hurts and losses that you pushed down deep out of necessity have all surfaced at once. Everything changed when we entered the Alpha Quadrant, but the wounds are still fresh for you because they weren't healed as they happened. You are the strongest person I know, but having to face your mother's death cost you the last of your emotional resolve, and the forced leave from Starfleet that was intended to help you only felt like a failure."

A single tear slid down her cheek, and he lovingly brushed it away with his fingertip. "I agreed with your decision to destroy the Caretaker's array, hon. I sacrificed my own ship and my own independence of command because I believed that what you were doing was right. I have never regretted that decision, and I have certainly never regretted falling in love with you. I wish some things could have turned out differently, but I accept that we couldn't control everything, and the decisions we made were good ones. Your crew loves you, and so do I."

He led her to the sofa and pulled her down with him, leaned back into the cushion, and wrapped his arms around her. He held her quietly, giving her time to think about what he'd said and hoping it was enough to offer some comfort. Gradually, the tension left her body and she relaxed against him.

Chakotay said, "When we go back to Earth, maybe we could talk to Tom and B'Elanna. I think it would do some good for you to get their point of view on things. Is that something you would be comfortable with?"

"I don't know. Maybe at some point I could do that." She raised her head to look him in the eye. "You said when we get back to Earth. Are you sure you want to leave your home to come back with me?"

"You are my home, Kathryn. I don't belong here, and I never really have. I belong by your side where I've been for the last seven years, if you'll still have me."

"I want you with me, Chakotay. I love you."

"I love you, too." He kissed her briefly and guided her head to his shoulder, and she shifted more comfortably on top of him. Light caresses soon soothed her to sleep, and he closed his eyes to slip into dreams of their home and the life they would build together on Earth.

Bright sunlight through the den window told Chakotay that they had slept later than usual, and she was still lying on him on the sofa. She had turned on her side in her sleep, and he scooted further down to relieve the pressure from her sharp hipbone. When she sighed, he froze in place until she said, "I'm not asleep."

He hugged her tighter. "I was trying to get more comfortable. How long have you been awake?"

"Only a minute or two."

"How do you feel?"

She turned over on her stomach and looked down at him. "I'm okay. Thank you for what you said about what happened on _Voyager_. I still have things I need to work through, but it helps to talk to you."

"I will always be here for you, Kathryn. You've helped me, too. I feel like we've been working through things together for both of us. I've begun get rid of a few of my own demons."

"We have a hell of a lot those, don't we? I told you when I first got here that I had thought a lot about how you would understand. You always saw through me, no matter how hard I tried to hide."

He smoothed her hair back from her face and caressed her cheek. "I saw Kathryn because she was who I loved. Not the captain, the Starfleet officer, but the woman I knew you were beneath the uniform. I followed one because I believed in her. I loved the other because I could see her. Now that we're back in the Alpha Quadrant, I'm honored to have the chance to get to know them both as one woman."

She laid a hand along his jaw and said, "You're too good to me, Chakotay."

"Are you complaining?" he asked with a smirk.

Lowering her head until her lips barely brushed his, she whispered, "Not a chance." Lips teased and tongues danced together as he held her body to his and her hands clasped his head.

A knock at the door startled them both, and he grabbed her shoulders as her head whipped around to look down the hallway. Grinning like teenagers caught making out, they scrambled up from the couch and she walked into the bedroom as he headed to answer the door.

"Chakotay," she called from the bedroom doorway. When he paused and turned to her, she slipped the robe off and tossed it to him, standing there in nothing but a pair of skimpy, sky blue underwear. "I think you need a little more cover."

He looked down at himself and, seeing the tent of his shorts, chuckled as he pulled the robe on and belted it, the laughter in her blue eyes only hardening him further as she disappeared into the bedroom.

Chakotay answered the front door and greeted his guest. "Come in, Timothy. How are you?" Timothy was the chief engineer at the central power grid for the colony.

"Not too bad," Timothy answered as he stepped into the house. "I could use your help." Chakotay led him into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee.

"I'll be glad to help if I can. What've you got?"

"We're having some problems with odd fluctuations in the power grid. It seems like every time I track down something and make repairs, another problem appears further along the grid. I can't get a handle on it and I was hoping you could offer some input. The fluctuations haven't caused any major outages yet, but I'm concerned about a cascade failure if I don't get this solved."

Chakotay poured three cups of coffee, handed one to Timothy, and picked up a second as he said, "I'll help, but the person you really need to talk to is Kathryn."

"Vice Admiral Janeway? Is she still here?"

"Yeah, she's still here. Give me a minute and I'll get her." He left Timothy at the kitchen table and carried the coffee to the bedroom, closing the door behind him until he could make sure she was dressed.

She had pulled on a simple yellow dress and flat shoes, and was at the bathroom mirror brushing her hair. Chakotay gave her the cup and explained the situation. She readily agreed to talk to Timothy and left the room while Chakotay put on a pair of pants.

By the time he returned to the kitchen, Timothy and Kathryn were deep in conversation, her face animated and command surfacing in her body language and tone of voice. He smiled at the sight and sat down beside her, half his attention on watching her and the other half remembering her breasts bathed in sunlight when she'd slipped of his robe.

Having a project to do seemed like exactly what she needed, and solving the power grid fluctuations would be a walk in the park after keeping _Voyager_ running for all that time. Timothy was competent, but he was no B'Elanna Torres. He also wasn't prideful and would be willing to let Kathryn take the lead if it meant getting the problems fixed sooner and correctly.

After a half hour of Timothy bringing Kathryn up to date on the steps they had taken so far and answering her questions, Kathryn assured him that she and Chakotay would be at the central control building as soon as they could to start going over the diagnostic reports and plan a strategy.

Timothy shook Chakotay's hand. "Thanks," he said. "I'm sorry to barge in on your morning like this."

"It's no problem. We'll see you soon." Chakotay closed the front door behind Timothy and returned to the kitchen where Kathryn was leaning against the counter with her coffee.

"You're evil, woman," he grinned.

Feigning innocence, she said, "Me?"

"Yes, you." He pressed her against the counter with his body and kissed her neck. "You knew I wouldn't be able to get the image of you in the doorway out of my head."

"I'll have to give a repeat performance later," she purred. She kissed him, then slid to the side and walked away, "Right now we have a power grid to repair."

He groaned and followed her to the bedroom to finish getting dressed.


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn was crawling backward out of a conduit access hatch when she felt a warm hand land on her back. She paused and said, "There had better be a cup of coffee in the other hand."

Chakotay chuckled. "Would I dare show my face without coffee?"

"I always knew you were a smart man." She exited the hatch and sat on the floor as she reached for the cup. Finding a relatively clean spot on the back of her wrist, she brushed the hair off her face. "How's it going in section nine?" she asked before taking a long drink of coffee.

"We're finished. Timothy is running the final test now before we bring it back online. What about here? Can I help?"

"I'm done. I just calibrated the last relay. When he gets section nine up, we can bring this one up. After that, it will take about 20 minutes for the whole system to reach full power again."

Chakotay tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "Good, then you have time to eat a sandwich. John's wife brought in food for everyone. We didn't eat breakfast and we've been here three hours. I'm starving."

She handed him her cup and pushed herself up off the floor with a groan. "My knees have almost forgotten what it's like to crawl around for hours at a time."

Chakotay stood with her and handed her cup back with a grin. "At least it's solid flooring here, and not those awful grates on the ship. It got so that the Doctor didn't even ask anymore when somebody went into sickbay and hiked up their pants legs and held out their palms. You could be in and out in thirty seconds, not a word said."

She laughed. "I would love to know just how many uniforms I ruined on those wretched grates. I tried to get the Doctor to let me place dermal regenerators at key points around the ship, but he refused. I could see his point that the crew might use them on more serious injuries instead of reporting them."

Chakotay quirked an eyebrow at her. "I'm sure he also knew who the worst offender would be." Kathryn bit back her response and flashed him a sheepish smile instead as they entered the conference room next to Timothy's office, where lunch had been set up. She continued through to the restroom to wash up while Chakotay filled plates for both of them.

He sat down across the table from John and his wife Olhana and thanked her for bringing the food.

"Kathryn is a remarkable woman," John said. "Damned fine engineer."

Chakotay smiled and replied, "She was a science officer before she switched to command. She and B'Elanna worked more than a few miracles together."

"You're not staying, are you?"

"Pardon me?" Chakotay asked.

"When she goes back to Earth, you're going with her, aren't you?" John's face held no accusation, just a simple question.

Chakotay nodded. "I left her once, when I came here. I can't let her go again."

"You'd be a fool if you did," John said with a smile. Olhana elbowed him in the ribs, and he laughed. "What? I'm talking about Chakotay."

Kathryn sat down beside Chakotay and asked, "What's so funny?"

Olhana spoke up, her eyes twinkling. "My husband appears to be in awe of you." This time John elbowed her. "Your skills," she blurted out. "I meant he's in awe of your skills."

Kathryn blushed, and they all laughed when Chakotay kissed her temple and said, "Not me. I'm just in awe of you." She wasn't used to being the center of this kind of attention, but the easy banter and playfulness was infectious, and she couldn't remember when she'd had a better time eating a simple sandwich and fruit.

After another hour of diagnostics and monitoring, Kathryn declared the power grid repaired. Timothy invited them to an impromptu gathering at his house that evening to thank everyone for their extra time and effort, and Chakotay was pleased to hear her readily accept. She hadn't shown much interest in leaving the house except for their brief trips to the market, but she seemed to be enjoying the company of the central power team.

***V*V***

Chakotay was sitting in the den, already dressed, when Kathryn emerged from the bedroom ready for the party. "My love, you look beautiful," he told her as he eyed the light green sundress.

Wide straps over her shoulders led to a sweetheart neckline that showed a hint of cleavage, the bodice fitted down to her waist before flaring slightly into a knee-length skirt. Her white, square heeled pumps matched the lightweight sweater draped over her arm. Rose colored lipstick and soft eye makeup set off her face in the frame of auburn tresses that had grown to just below her shoulders.

He held her hands in his against his chest, and her heart skipped at the love in his gaze. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Come, I have something for you."

He led her back to the bedroom where he reached into a small chest and retrieved a long, narrow wooden box carved with a sprig of wildflowers on the top. He turned the box toward her and opened the lid to reveal a silver necklace, the linked chain meeting in the center to hold a delicately worked tree in full leaf.

"Oh, Chakotay. It's lovely!" Kathryn gently ran a finger across the pendant before looking up at him, her eyes shining.

"It belonged to my mother, and I would like for you to have it. Will you wear it?"

"I don't know what to say. I'd be honored to wear it."

He lovingly lifted the necklace from the box, and Kathryn turned and held her hair up while he clasped the chain around her neck. When she faced him again, he straightened it and stood back a step with tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said shyly as he blinked rapidly. "It's been many years since I saw that on my mother. It has lain in that box since she took it off the day before she died. There's no one but you that I would want to see wear it again."

She touched the tree where it lay against her skin and then cupped his face with her hands and pressed her lips to his. "I will cherish it always, Chakotay. I love you."

He pulled her into a hug and whispered in her ear, "You are my heart, and I will cherish you always."

They arrived at Timothy's house just after sunset to find a crowd of about 20 people, and several children of varying ages, gathered around a bonfire built in the yard. As they walked hand-in-hand from the hover car, Chakotay said, "I hope this is okay with you."

Firelight danced across her strong features and the silver around her neck, and her smile gleamed. "It's perfect," she replied. "It's been a long time since I enjoyed a good outdoor party."

"The holodeck just wasn't the same, was it?"

She laughed. "No, it wasn't. Plus, I couldn't hold your hand at the luau."

His thumb caressed the back of her hand as he turned to greet Timothy and John approaching them. Kathryn knew all of the workers and was introduced their spouses, and Chakotay grinned to himself as he noticed that it took less than two minutes for Kathryn to naturally command the attention of everyone around her. She never did or said anything deliberately, but was one of those people who drew others to her just by being present. He was more than happy to be pulled into her magic along with everyone else.

While Kathryn sat in front of the fire, Chakotay poured two glasses of wine in the kitchen and offered to help Timothy's wife, Ylett.

"No thank you, Chakotay. You've done your work for the day," she replied. "Besides, you shouldn't leave Kathryn for too long with that crowd."

He grinned. "She can take care of herself."

"Oh, I'm not worried about her," Ylett said with a wink. "It's them. I swear you'd think Timothy and John met the ambassador from Risa this morning."

Chakotay laughed and carried the wine out to the fireside where he found Kathryn telling the story of the first time they met Neelix. She had a rapt audience, her husky voice, sparkling blue eyes and shimmering pale skin doing as much to hold their attention as her tale. Sliding his arm over the back of her shoulders, he was content to simply listen and watch her, but she drew him into the storytelling as well, and he shared a couple of Neelix anecdotes of his own. The _Voyager_ crew all missed the odd little Telaxian and it felt good to recall fond memories of him.

The food was served a half hour later, and Kathryn ate more than Chakotay had seen her eat at one sitting since her arrival on Trebus. He settled back with another glass of wine and clasped her hand in his resting on his thigh. The night deepened, and as the conversation and laughter around them continued, he found himself following the light from the flames playing across her hair and turning it to colors of red and gold that seemed to mimic the fire.

Kathryn appeared to have reached a turning point mentally, and he watched her innate curiosity and passion for life shine through as she blended right in to this group of strangers and made them all friends. By the end of the evening when they were on their way home, he was more in love with and devoted to the remarkable woman at his side than ever before.

Kathryn followed him into the kitchen when they arrived home.

"Coffee or tea?" he asked.

"Tea, I think." She laid her sweater over the back of a chair and sat down at the table.

"I had a nice time tonight. Did you?"

"I did. They're all lovely people."

He set the tea cups on the table and bent low, one hand on her knee and the other on the back of her chair, his face inches from hers. "You are lovely," he said quietly.

She gazed into his dark eyes and laid her hand over his on her knee. "Kiss me, Chakotay," she whispered.

His lips brushed against hers, feather light, and the tip of his tongue played over her and teased its way into her mouth. Her neck relaxed and her head tipped up, and his hand moved from her chair to run through her hair. Cradling her head, he pressed into her and his tongue tasted and swirled, tickling over her pallet. Chills swept up her thigh when his thumb on her knee circled under the hem of her skirt, and her fingers slid up his arm to the nape of his neck. He ended the kiss and stood up to hold his hand out for hers, leading her from the kitchen into the bedroom.

Pausing inside the doorway, he said, "Kathryn, if this isn't what you want."

She hushed him with a searing kiss and her body pressed against his, walking him backward until the dresser rattled at his back. He wrapped her in his arms and pulled her tighter with a groan as he slipped his thigh between her legs, her hips thrusting against him.

Her fingers deftly unbuttoned his shirt and trailed across his skin as she pulled it open and slipped it off his shoulders. He loosed his hold on her long enough the let the material slide off and get trapped between his back and dresser. With the break in contact, she flattened her palm on the center of his chest and stepped back, catching his eyes to slow him before she turned around and lifted her hair. He tenderly unclasped the necklace and kissed her neck before laying the silver piece on the chest behind him.

He slowly unzipped her dress, his fingertip sliding down her spine to her lower back and sending a shiver through her body. He pushed the straps down to her elbows and grasped her arms as he bent to trail warm, breathy kisses over the back of her neck. Holding her against him skin to skin with an arm around her, his other hand tugged the garment over hips and down to the floor.

She held onto his sides behind her to step out of the dress and shoes, then reached up between them to remove her bra. Warm fingers teased and tweaked her nipples, and she laid her head back against his shoulder as her knees weakened. Chakotay let go of one breast to unfasten his pants and slide them and his briefs down his legs, pulling one foot at a time from them and finally kicking them to the side.

Through her panties, she could feel the hot steel of his erection against her and rotated her hips, dragging a groan from his chest as his hand spread over her stomach. She hooked her fingers in her underwear and slowly bent forward as she lowered them, the motion pushing her bared buttocks against him.

He moaned as he circled against her and then dropped to his knees to help her step out of the garment. His hands stroked up and down her legs, tiny fires burning along her inner thighs and lighting the heat between her legs. Leaving wet kisses where his fingers had been, he rose and lifted her in his arms to lay her on the bed.

He knelt beside her for a moment, drinking in the sight and filling his senses with her. Sensation coiled deep and need throbbed within her as he braced his hands on either side of her and suckled her nipple between his lips, laving her breast with long slides of his tongue.

She twined her fingers through his hair and closed her eyes, concentrating on the hum in her body and the solid bulk of him hovering above her, not touching but felt just the same, as she had felt him near her for seven years. To be here with him, in his home and his bed, wrapped in the safety and passion of his love, quickened her unbearably.

Pulling his head from her breast and tugging him upward, she gasped, "Please, Chakotay. I need you."

The flush of her skin and the darkening of her eyes swelled his hardened shaft more as he slid up beside her. His lips found hers, his tongue driving between her teeth, as his fingers slipped between her legs to feel her slick with desire. At his first touch, her hips thrust into his hand and he swallowed her whimper.

He rolled her to face him and lifted her leg over his, then took himself in hand and stroked the tip through her folds. Her hands clung to his neck and she broke the kiss, her hips rocking forward when he reached her pearl. Her blue eyes were breathtaking in their intensity and he wanted nothing more than to watch her in her climax. The smooth skin of his engorged length sliding over her clitoris drove her ever higher until she stiffened in his grasp, straining for release.

With a shudder through her limbs, her fingers dug into his shoulders, and he watched her abandoned in her orgasm as he pulled her tighter and thrust into her rippling heat. Long strokes kept her at her peak as she cried out and clenched around him, and he fought not to be pulled along with her. He gripped her hips to his and turned her on her back to drive into her wet core, her legs wrapping around him as she matched his rhythm and tried to take him deeper.

He pushed his hands under the small of her back and they sought to become one body, gripping and thrusting together. With a final roar, his nerves seared and locked him deep inside of her as he pumped into her heat and her small tremors milked his seed from him. She caressed and soothed him until his spasms slowed and he slid his weight from her, pulling her into his arms and a long, gentle kiss.

This time when Kathryn awoke in the middle of the night, instead of getting lost in her thoughts, she explored his body with her fingertips until he woke up and took her again, slowly and tenderly, before they drifted back to sleep entwined together.


	6. Chapter 6

Kathryn had been on Trebus for almost five weeks when she and Chakotay were cleaning the den one morning. She picked up a statuette to dust it off and suddenly sat down on the sofa with a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong, love?" he asked.

"The house. I still have to clean out the house."

"You mean your mother's house in Indiana?"

"Yes, though it's actually mine now. Phoebe signed it over to me before she left for Mars." She set the statuette on the side table and rubbed her forehead. "50 years, Chakotay. 50 years of my family's history is in that house."

He sat down beside her and took her hand between his. "I'll help you, but I know it's a daunting prospect to go through everything. Have you thought of what you're going to do?"

"Do you mean am I going to live there?"

He rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand. "Well, I meant are _we_ going live there?"

She looked at him with a small smile. "I'm sorry, of course it's 'we'. I don't know if I want to stay there. Transporting to work every day wouldn't be an issue. My father did it for many years. That house was such a big part of my family, though, and now that family is gone. There's nothing to tie me there anymore."

"Yes, there is," he said as he sat back against the cushion and put his arm around her. "It's a part of who you are. Family history is important to both of us. I know that before you came here, all that home represented to you was loss. But there are decades of fond memories there, too. Your parents and sister, your childhood, friends, holidays and gatherings – all of those events and people that helped shape you into who you are today are still there. I'm not telling you to keep the house or to get rid of it. You have to make that decision for yourself, and I can live anywhere as long as it's with you. I don't think you should decide now when you are so far away, though. I'll help you and support you in any way I can, but I think you should wait until we are back on Earth."

She leaned into his embrace and put her hand on his thigh. "I've been thinking, Chakotay. It's time to go back. I can't stay away forever, and as long as I'm here my life is in a sort of limbo. I need to talk to Starfleet. I need to deal with the house. I need to find out what my options are and get back to my life, whatever that may be now."

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"I think so. I'm sure it is not going to be easy, but continuing to put it off won't help. I have loved every minute of being here with you, but my life – our life – is waiting on Earth."

"When do you want to leave?"

"I had thought we would wait until Sekaya returned so you could see her again, but you said that won't be for another three weeks, right?"

"We don't have to wait for her. I spent a lot of time with her before they left, and we can come back to visit later. I can be ready to leave in a couple of days if you want. I just need to pack a few things and make arrangements for someone to look after the house until Sekaya does return. We also need to check over and provision the shuttle."

"I don't want to rush you, Chakotay, and I would like to say goodbye to Timothy and the others before we go. If it takes a few days to a week, that's fine. I just feel like it's time. I've hidden here long enough."

He kissed her fingers and said, "You haven't been hiding. You've been healing, and I think it's great that you feel strong enough to return. You've been through a lot of changes. I do want to say this: I don't think you should try to return to work as soon as we get back. Deal with the house first, decide where you want to live, and let's get settled into our new life together on Earth. Starfleet will be there for you in a month or two, or even longer. There was no time limit put on your leave."

She sat up and turned to him, curling one leg on the sofa in front of her. "What do you want to do?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You've put everything on hold while I've been here, and now you're leaving your home and your sister to be with me on Earth. Everything has been focused on me and on my career. What is it that you want? Where do you want to live or work? Is there any place you want to go?"

He tugged his ear and thought for a moment before answering. "To be honest, I was a little lost before you came to Trebus. I missed you and thought about you all the time. I also knew I didn't want to return to space. I didn't want to stay here but hadn't given much thought to where I wanted to go. There are places on Earth I would like to visit. I meant what I said – I can live anywhere, and I could probably find work anywhere. I've thought I might like to teach again or get into archaeology. The most important thing I plan to do is to be with you. Maybe my life has been in a sort of limbo here, too. Once we get to Earth, I'll be able to start making decisions."

He paused for a moment, and she could tell by his look that he was contemplating something. He finally spoke up. "Kathryn, the decision of whether to live in your family home in Indiana is strictly up to you. Wherever we live, I want it to be a house that I can work on and make it truly ours. I still have enough pay saved to live comfortably for probably a year. My first dream would be to make some place all our own."

She smiled softly and touched his cheek. "You tried to do that once for us."

His cheeks dimpled and he gazed into her eyes. "I did, and I never got to finish it. I can't explain why it's important to me. It just is."

"It's important to me, too, love. I remember everything you did on New Earth. The bathtub you made for me, the headboard so I could read more comfortably, the sand paintings and small touches you added to the shelter. I'm sorry I didn't tell you more how much I appreciated those things."

"I knew you had to have time to let go. If it's alright with you, though, I think for our home on Earth we'll buy the bathtub."

She laughed and leaned into him for a hug. "A big one?" she chuckled against his shoulder.

He held her tightly and said, "Big enough for at least two people."

***V*V***

**2 ½ WEEKS LATER – SAN FRANCISCO**

"Are you ready?" Chakotay asked, his finger hovering over the door chime.

Kathryn nodded and took a deep breath. "Do it."

He chuckled at the familiar command phrase and pushed the button, his other hand going to the small of Kathryn's back. In a few seconds, the door opened and B'Elanna looked stunned.

"Captain! Chakotay!" She hugged them both and stepped back to let them into the house. "Tom, come here!"

Tom came around the corner with Miral in his arms and a wide grin lit his face. "Boy is it good to see you!" he said, shaking Chakotay's hand and then surprising Kathryn by hugging her shoulders while trying not to disturb the baby.

Kathryn's relief at their reception was clear in the bright smile on her face, and Chakotay rubbed his thumb on her back in support. They followed Tom and B'Elanna into the living room and sat down on the couch while B'Elanna went to get coffee for everyone.

"Captain, how long have you been back?" Tom asked as he settled Miral in his lap and began bottle feeding her.

"Please call me Kathryn."

Tom shrugged. "I'll try, but you'll always be captain to me, even though you're an admiral now."

Kathryn smirked. "We got back three days ago." She nodded her head at Miral and said, "I can't believe she's grown so much."

Tom's expression when he looked down at his daughter showed that he was clearly a proud and doting father. "Yeah, it seems like she grows overnight. She's crawling and already wants to try walking, though she hasn't managed her first step yet."

B'Elanna returned with the coffee and then took Miral from Tom and sat down in a rocking chair to feed her. "It's her bedtime and she likes to be rocked to sleep," B'Elanna said.

"We didn't mean to interrupt," Chakotay said. "We can come back another time."

"No, not at all," replied Tom. "We usually eat dinner after we get her to bed. We'd love it if you would stay and eat with us."

Chakotay and Kathryn looked at each other, then Kathryn nodded and smiled. "We'd like that. Thank you."

They chatted easily as Tom and B'Elanna told their former commanders about getting used to things on Earth again and being new parents. Tom also talked about the growing relationship he had with his parents and how he and his dad were getting along better than they ever had. Kathryn was glad to hear that Tom and Owen had seemed to reach an understanding of each other, and that Owen was willing to see Tom in a new light and get to know the man he'd become.

Around 20 minutes later, Miral had finally fallen asleep being rocked in her mother's arms. B'Elanna stood up and said quietly, "I'm going to put her to bed. Would you like to come, Kathryn?"

Kathryn smiled and got up. "I'd love to. It's been years since I last put one of my nephews down to sleep."

The women headed upstairs, and Tom led Chakotay into the kitchen. "We can get dinner started," Tom said. "I know you're a vegetarian. I have my mother's recipe for eggplant parmesan that's very good."

"That sounds great, Tom, but you can cook whatever you had planned. I can eat just some fruit."

Tom clapped him on the back. "My wife would have my head with a bat'leth if I fed you nothing but fruit. Besides, we both like my mom's dish, and we have a salad and Havari bread rolls in stasis that will go good with the parm."

Tom programmed the replicator then retrieved two bottles of beer, handing one to Chakotay with a questioning look. Chakotay took it and said, "Thanks, I haven't had one of these in a while."

Tom led him through a set of doors onto a deck, the evening air still warm and the stars beginning to shine one by one in the sky. Chakotay took a deep breath, the mild tang of the breeze off the bay filling his nose.

"You and B'Elanna have a lovely home, Tom," Chakotay said. "I'm glad everything has worked out well for you two."

"Thanks." Tom turned from looking at the sky and eyed Chakotay. "What about her?" Chakotay knew he was talking about Kathryn. "She scared the hell out of us and there wasn't a thing we could do. At least, not that she would let us do."

Chakotay tugged his ear, uncomfortable talking about Kathryn without her there, but knowing that Tom and B'Elanna both loved her and only had her best interests at heart. "To tell you the truth, Tom, she scared me, too, when she showed up on Trebus. If I had known what she was going through, or had any idea she was still struggling so much, I never would have left. Believe me, I thought she was happy and on top of the world when I went to my sister's. Kathryn is much better now. She still has some struggles to face, mainly cleaning out her family home in Indiana, and learning to get close to people again. She carried so much guilt and regret for so long on _Voyager_. That's one of the reasons we came here tonight. We wanted to see you guys, of course, but I also wanted her to see that she has friends if she'll stop blaming herself."

"Blaming herself for what?" Tom asked with surprise.

"Stranding the crew in the Delta Quadrant, and for the people we lost and all the lives that were affected."

"That's ridiculous, Chakotay! What was she supposed to do, doom an entire race of people while we tried to use the array to get back? Hell, without the Caretaker, we don't know that it would have worked anyway. We lost crewmen because we were attacked, not because she did something wrong."

Chakotay held his hand up to try to stop Tom's rising anger. "I know all of that, but she still has a hard time believing it. She spent so many years blaming herself that it's going to take more than just a few months back on Earth to change her mind. I was hoping you and B'Elanna could talk to her about how you feel about our time out there. I don't mean confronting her with it, but answer her questions of she asks, or talk about things if they come up in conversation. I trust you to tell her the truth from your perspective. I think she needs that."

Tom nodded. "Of course. We care about her, Chakotay. We'll help any way we can."

They heard a noise from the kitchen and turned to see B'Elanna and Kathryn come out on the deck with their own beer. Chakotay was surprised when Kathryn walked to him and put her arms around his waist, leaning into his side. He wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple.

"Did you get Miral down quietly?" he asked.

She looked up at him and smiled softly. "We did. I saw the dream catcher you gave her above the crib. It's beautiful."

His cheek dimpled and when he hugged her to him, he saw over her head that Tom and B'Elanna were staring at them wide-eyed. He cleared his throat and said, "I think we forgot to mention something."

She turned her head and laughed at the expressions on Tom's and B'Elanna's faces. "I guess we did," she said between chuckles.

"How long have you been together?" B'Elanna asked.

The gaze of pure love that passed between the former command team brought smiles to Tom and B'Elanna.

"A few weeks. Or, a few years, depending on how you look at it," Chakotay told them.

"We've loved each other for years," Kathryn continued, "but we both had reasons we couldn't pursue that relationship on _Voyager_. When I fled to Trebus, I was going to the one person I knew I was safe with. I wasn't sure how we still felt about each other, though, because everything had been so complicated. Now, it all seems so simple."

"The crew is going to be ecstatic, you know," Tom said grinning. "You two were quite a source of rumors on the ship."

Kathryn quirked an eyebrow at him. "Oh?"

"Well, yeah. We all could see how you felt about each other. The question was whether, and when, you had acted on those feelings."

"I'm happy to hear you all thought so highly of us," Kathryn said sarcastically.

Tom was a bit startled. "No, it was never meant as disrespect. We didn't want you to be alone for the whole journey." Tom glanced at B'Elanna and took her hand in his. "Life anywhere is hard when you don't have someone to share it with. Some of us felt closer to you as a friend than others of the crew, but you and Chakotay shared a bond we could never come close to. We hoped that you would open up and acknowledge it to each other."

Kathryn's face softened. "There were many reasons why we couldn't do that, Tom, but thank you for the sentiment."

The replicator beeped, and Tom and B'Elanna started for the doors. "Enjoy your beer while we get dinner on the table. It will only take a few minutes."

Alone on the deck, Kathryn and Chakotay looked out over the yard and farther to the lights of the city. He pulled her in front of him and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "How do you feel?" he asked softly.

"I'm okay. It's nice to get to know them as a regular couple and not have to keep my captain's mask on all the time." She turned her body to his and put her hands behind his neck. Holding her tighter, he leaned down and kissed her then rested his forehead against hers.

B'Elanna looked out of the kitchen window and then waved to Tom behind her. They stood and watched their captain and commander in an embrace so full of love and devotion that they both sighed and then smiled sheepishly at each other.

"They really do love each other, don't they?" B'Elanna asked.

Chakotay pressed his lips to Kathryn's again in lingering kiss, his large hands splayed across her back and hers spread over his shoulders. When they broke free, their smiles were soft and tender.

"They're perfect together," Tom replied as he put his arm around his wife. They watched for a few more moments and then finished putting dinner on the table, hoping that it would be the first of many with the two people who they most admired and cared for deeply.


End file.
